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Wednesday, August 20, 2008, 7:45 pm
disclaimer: this post is going to be relatively emo... if u are happy. u are advised not to read it.
A star seems so far away...
many things have happened today. things that seem to have turned my life up and down. im suddenly lost. everything that i was once confident about have all disappeared. on the bus ride home, thought alot. feeling better now. in a way. not very sad now but just doesnt seem to be able to laugh out loud... i used to say as long as u work hard, anything is possible. how funny... all these have turned into blank words. words that are never real. what if ur niche is just not ur interest? what if ur niche is just exactly opposite of ur interest? should i follow my niche. or my interest. what is my interest? i dun wan to regret things that i do again. i need it. be it for the exposure or for the prestige. even more. i nd it to ironically fulfill my interest... but i dun want to end up getting rejected. getting hurt again... im tired of always being second. some may say. being second is still better than nothing. but by the time comes, and u are always stuck at second. u will rather be nothing. at least there is no disappointment. im tired of expectations. expectations that i give myself. expectations that others give me. even casual remarks that i fail to reach. it just hurts even more... im tired of achieving. tired of putting in but not achieving. tired of doing my best but nvr recognised. what if my interest is just not my niche. no matter what i do. im feeling very lost now... no longer know what i should do. my aim in life has suddenly disappeared. or not. my aim in life has suddenly doubled. its supposed to be a good thing. but what if the double just clashes with the first and u have to choose one. what would u choose. what should i choose. i want answers but i dun wan big words. words that are just there and sounds nice. seems logical and meaningful and in actual fact are just empty. i feel the stress. but i have no idea who or where it is coming from. maybe its myself. maybe its just my inner psyche. my dreams and aspirations just suddenly seem so far away... seems like im never able to reach them. just seemed that im not meant for it...i guess im just not fated to reach it...
once again, 我觉得自己好无能。好没用。我恨我自己。只会批评别人却未看过自己。以为自己很好。其实全都是虚伪的。。。我好假哦。我真的不知该做什么。该说什么。才能让你们感觉好一点。不要再推开我。好吗。
